Title: The New Topping Book
Author(s): Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
contrary to the opinions of the uninformed, consensual sadism, dominance and topping are primarily empathic activities.
Nurturing is a big part of much of what we do, and the combination of kindness and cruelty is one of the fastest ways to take a bottom down the deepest. How does nurturing reward the top? Well, the nurturer, again, is big, and in play gets to be even bigger as we practice a kind of hyper-nurturance, enveloping our bottoms, almost as if we could engulf them.
In scene space we can elicit and reenact trauma and also be the good parent who heals the wounds. Many of the most profound psychological scenes include intense nurturance. And in a world in which nurturing energy can be in short supply, it can be a delight to create an environment in which we get to taste a whole lot of it.
In BDSM we get to act out from parts of ourselves that could not be described as nice: the bully, the villain, the inquisitor, the brute, the betrayer. Wicked, wicked, wicked.
the top has made a commitment to remain aware, contained, in control of both partners
A good leader is many people’s servant. If being trained to become a perfect servant sounds too humiliating, you are not strong enough to withstand the temptations of wielding power.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS. Not everything that can go wrong in an S/M scene has anything to do with S/M. As part of taking care of your bottom’s (and your own) physical safety, you should have the equipment, training and ability to handle real-world emergencies ranging from quakes and fires through heart attacks and seizures. If you don’t know what you’d do if the lights went out, if your bottom suddenly became seriously ill, or if you inadvertently started a fire in the playroom, you shouldn’t do the
scene until you’ve figured these things out
as you grow more experienced, the details of technique become like the details of driving: you still know how to do them, and you’re doing them well, but they’re not occupying much of your conscious mind.
STAYING OPEN. This is the biggest and most important tip we can give you. A lot of tops have the idea that their job is to remain cool, withdrawn and withholding, to share no emotion and to show no turn-on. If this is your topping style, go for it – many folks prefer this kind of scene, in which the top is the heartless administrator of control or sensation and the bottom’s job is simply to receive. But we’ve found that the experiences we’ve been describing here are fundamentally collaborative – which requires that the top and the bottom remain emotionally as open as possible. A contradiction in terms? No, not really. As you top, pay attention to what’s happening in your own body and heart. Do you feel savage and merciless? Giggly and playful? Wildly turned on? Deeply moved? Do you feel like grunting or laughing or crying or coming?
Watch your bottom’s muscles, especially those in the places where people tend to store tension – neck, shoulders, belly. Is his face relaxed and serene, or squinched up in a grimace? Are his hands clenched into fists? If you see muscles that are tight, quivering or bulging, your bottom is probably struggling to keep up with you and may have to safeword if you push too much harder without a break. One big caveat: Impending orgasm often looks a lot like intense pain, and if you don’t know this particular bottom well, it can be hard to tell the difference. You could try just asking, but that might spoil the moment. Or you could try a bit of sexual touching – if that’s part of your agreements – and see what kind of response you get.
Relaxed people breathe deeply and slowly, from their diaphragms. If they’re making noise, the sounds tend to be deep moans or growls. Tense people breathe tightly and rapidly, high up in their chests, and their sounds are often high-pitched screams or whimpers. If you’ve ever hurt yourself, you know how you breathed during the pain – you probably were using a lot of short little high breaths. But this kind of breathing is not what you want for your bottom; a bottom who’s breathing like that will hyperventilate (getting too little oxygen and throwing off too little carbon dioxide) and might panic.
A trick we like is to establish contact with your bottom – eye contact and/or physical contact: Janet likes to place the palm of her hand firmly and gently on her bottom’s chest or the center of her back. Then simply breathe in the rhythm you want your bottom to breathe, perhaps a little noisily or emphatically. Most bottoms will instinctively begin to breathe with you. Since breathing in synch, especially during eye contact, is often taught as a tantric exercise to achieve greater union, this strategy may also bring you closer to the heights you’re trying to achieve.
People also have internal boundaries that tell us what state of consciousness we are in. For those of us who play a number of roles – top, bottom, Doctor Mean, Dracula, little boy, baby girl – we open and change our internal boundaries to get in and out of role, often unconsciously. The more conscious we can be about this, the safer we will be, and the more adept at getting into (and back out of) the role we want to play right now. Internal boundaries tell us the difference between a thought, a wish, a fantasy and a dream. For the S/M player, the boundary between fantasy and reality is all-important: it is how we maintain our sanity, and how we maintain our identities as big bad mean ethical loving sadists.
If this is your first time with this partner, do remember to inquire about limits, pain tolerance, safer sex, physical limits like asthma, history of abuse or trauma, contact lenses, muscle and joint problems that might make some positions uncomfortable.
This is our theater, and the bottom’s response is our applause.
you can always ask for the response you want. Janet says that her bottoms tend to respond with enthusiasm when she leans in close and purrs in their ear, “You know, it would really turn me on to hear you scream…”
requiring him to do something that requires concentration as he accepts increasing stimulation.
You don’t have to continue to escalate; one of the arts of topping is to take the bottom right up to the edge where she thinks she can’t stand it any more, then back off for a while and do something nicer, then go up to that same place and perhaps a little beyond, then back off again…
One top we know taught us another excellent strategy for this moment: do nothing. Simply stop and re-center yourself. Take a deep breath or two. Look at yourself and your bottom. Wait. Inspiration will come. The bottom isn’t going anywhere. This can seem like a very long moment, but really, it’s usually only a minute or so… and many bottoms love suspense.
An important thing to remember is that your goal is to “turn off your bottom’s brain” – to enable her to melt into a malleable, will-less state of arousal and hypersensuality. The more control, verbal and physical, that you exert, the easier it will be for your bottom to relinquish control to you. It’s a good idea to offer your bottom as few choices as possible. “Lie down on the bed” is not such a great order, because it leaves too many questions open in the bottom’s mind. “Lie down on the bed, face down, with your head facing the headboard, your legs together and your arms outspread” is better.
An exercise Janet teaches in her workshops for novice female dominants is to have the bottoms rub their mistresses’ feet as the mistresses give specific directions about where to rub, how hard and in what rhythm. Although this exercise may sound simple, it is difficult for many attendees. If you have trouble giving orders, it might be a good way for you to practice this important skill.
kiss the whip or other implement is really a script for consent. The threat builds anticipation while giving the bottom an opportunity to voice any concerns.
The trick to asking for direction from top space is to phrase the request in such a way that it sounds like you’re demanding it for your own pleasure, not fumbling around trying to figure out what will please your bottom.
the “two squeezes” check-in: the top takes hold of some part of the bottom’s body (often the hand) and gives it two firm squeezes. The bottom lets the top know that she’s OK by taking hold of some part of the top’s body and giving it two squeezes back. If the top doesn’t get the two return squeezes, he tries once again; if the squeezes still aren’t forthcoming, he assumes that something’s wrong and that it’s time to break role and talk.
Ending a scene takes place in three parts: preparation, closure and aftercare. During the preparation stage, while you’re still actually playing, you need to signal to the bottom that the scene will end soon, so he can begin to come back into the real world and pull himself or herself together.
The main thing to remember about closure is to avoid suddenness.
ROPE. Choose something soft, washable and at least 3/8” thick; finish the ends with a piece of tape or stitch them with thread so they won’t fray. Some folks swear by cotton magician’s rope or soft nylon rope from the hardware store. Marine supply stores and mountain-climbing stores offer an enormous selection of excellent rope in different sizes, textures and colors. If you’re just getting started, try 12-foot lengths of several different kinds and experiment with which you like best. Once you settle on one or two kinds, you’ll probably want at least four 12-foot lengths; you’ll probably want to add a couple of shorter or longer lengths once you learn more about what kinds of bondage you like to do.
RESTRAINTS. Unless you’re very clever with knots, you’ll find that a set of bondage cuffs for the wrists, and ideally a second set for the ankles, are a good investment.
BLINDFOLD. The blindfold is a toy of such astonishing virtue that we had to set aside some space to talk about it. A blindfold can be a folded scarf or an Ace bandage, a nightshade from the drugstore or an elaborate leather mask from the toy store: no matter, they all work great. To understand the power of the blindfold, try one on yourself. Feel the change in your state of consciousness, how quiet you become when you take away the busy distractions of sight, how your consciousness moves away from the verbal entrainment of thought, how time passes in an easy flow in the trance of sensory deprivation.
There are practical advantages to blindfolding your bottom: then he can’t see you fumble with the toys, or grab a clip to get your hair out of your eyes. We know a top who wears six-inch heels to tower over her bottoms, which she removes as soon as they can’t see her anymore. So the blindfold offers privacy to the top, and relieves the bottom of the distractions of dealing with the material world.
CLAMPS. Wooden clothespins from the hardware store, or plastic ones from the Asian grocery, are some of the cheapest, most versatile toys available. If you’re a novice, you probably won’t need more than six or so
Hot wax play offers a relatively safe way to explore some intense sensations. Use only plain white paraffin candles to start with – dyes and scents raise the melting temperature
If paraffin feels too intense, a milder alternative is the candles that come in tall glasses, sometimes with religious pictures on the side, which melt at a very cool temperature. Beeswax has a skin-burningly high melting point and should be avoided.
An ice cube used alternately with dribbles of hot wax can create very interesting sensations.
SOFT FLOGGER. This is almost certainly going to be your biggest investment – but we find that more bottoms enjoy this sensation than any other, so if you can manage the 150 such a toy is likely to cost, we encourage you to make the purchase. Shop at a store with clerks who can help you make a good selection. Try it on your thigh or arm, both softly and forcefully; you want something that gives a caressing, thuddy sensation, without too much sting or harshness
EMERGENCY SUPPLIES. Your basic toy kit should contain a pair of heavy-duty shears such as paramedic’s shears, or a blunt-tipped sharp knife that can be run under rope or restraints without poking the bottom’s skin. You will also need to think about dealing with power outages, and many dungeons are dark, so keep a flashlight handy.
A common way of describing the sensation of a toy is to talk about “thud” and “sting” – most bottoms prefer one or the other. The sting-to-thud ratio of any striking toy depends mostly on its proportion of weight to breadth. You can learn this particular bottom’s preference either by asking, or by trying a bit of each and watching her reaction.
several latex gloves
take a look at your packaging. While it’s not necessary to wrap yourself in custom leather from head to toe, a little toppish accessorizing helps catch bottoms’ attention.
may very well be the longing to reunite with a part of ourselves that we have lost in the Shadow. Perhaps we yearn to bring that part back into consciousness, in the validating presence of another who can mirror us, and in this terrible state find us desirable. As we eroticize these tales from our own deepest personal mythology, we inject our self-rejection with the healing energy of the life force, with Eros, and confirm our newly enlarged sense of self with the affirmation of orgasm. As we welcome back our own lost parts, we become more whole – increase our integrity – with the healing power of S/M.
A lot of S/M erotica has the primal intensity of myth, because fantasies often express the dynamics that run our unconscious minds.
any path, walked with mindfulness and honesty, can lead to enlightenment.
Symbolic acts have real consequences in our lives, the power of pulling down energy to manifest in the real world, of bringing spirit into our bodies and onto the planet, of realizing. It is dangerous to treat ritual frivolously, as if symbolic acts won’t change anything. Magic works. Take care, be mindful. Have respect.
all BDSM is to some degree ritual – a voyage of self-discovery, a journey through the darkness and toward the light of transcendence.