Title: Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation, Updated Edition
Author(s): Princess Kali
Date: 2022
this book is not an attempt to make erotic humiliation “make sense.” Because, no matter how experienced you are with this kind of play, the reality is that it doesn’t always “make sense.” In fact, it often makes no sense. And that’s okay. Sexuality is extremely complex, and we barely have language to describe the more traditional sexual interests, let alone the psychologically entangled and unusual ones. But that doesn’t matter. (4)
There is no such thing as a universally “humiliating activity,” because what one person finds degrading another person might find liberating. What constitutes humiliation entirely depends on the mindsets of the people involved. (9)
Shame, in our everyday lives, is about our perceptions of the way other people perceive us—it’s all about the fear that people are thinking poorly of you because you’re doing, thinking, or feeling something that deviates from what you’re supposed to be doing, thinking, or feeling. Humiliation, on the other hand, in the context of play, is about purposely pursuing that misalignment between what we’re “supposed” to do and what we want to do or are doing—and then making it feel good. […] They’re related concepts, and humiliation can only exist in play because shame exists outside of it, but the results couldn’t be more different. (10)
Erotic humiliation is about taking a “real world” thing/word/action that a player understands as “humiliating” (whether it’s commonly understood as such or not) and re-contextualizing it as erotic play by adding a layer of acceptance, appreciation, and mutual enjoyment that converts what “should” be a shameful experience into an enjoyable one. (10-11)
What really makes an activity humiliating—erotically or not—is the knowledge that somebody else has seen it or knows about it. […] The simple idea that someone—even just your long-term partner—is witnessing the “weird” or “terrible” or “awful” thing you’re doing is an important part of the psychology of humiliation, because that—and not the activity itself—is what creates the feelings of shame. (12)
In order to humiliate an individual, the key is really understanding their personal context. There’s a story you need to hear that they have been telling inside their head. Tease that story out and you’ll know everything you need. That’s what is going to dictate whether or not they find an action to be embarrassing, humiliating, or degrading. Great humiliation does not come from the orders you give in a contrived scenario or from some external force. […] great humiliation comes from the sub’s responses to the scenario. It comes from within. (35)
many people who are interested in humiliation on the submissive side find that the eroticizism comes before the scene, in the anticipation, as well as afterward, when they’re looking back on an experience, rather then when they’re actually having the experience. (51)
there are other ways [than safewords] to communicate clearly and freely without breaking scene, too. For example, I like to use stage whispers to check in with my submissives and empower them to give me feedback as needed mid-scene. Before play begins, I always remind my partners that, if you’re whispering, it doesn’t count as part of the scene, so they don’t have to worry about “ruining it” when they express their needs. (83)
It’s important to talk about these landmines up front to the best of everyone’s ability, but the idea that you can simply trust someone else to know what their limits are is a pernicious myth of the BDSM world that we desperately need to break. (92)
It’s perfectly acceptable to keep some fantasies in your head or at a playful/theatrical level! A fantasy doesn’t have to be enacted in real life for you to get a lot of pleasure out of it. In fact, sometimes it’s actually better to keep some fantasies in the (nearly) perfectly controllable environment of your imagination. (97)
Kink extravaganza is a term I’ve coined for the expectations people have for the elaborate trappings, costumes, staging, and time that they think must be a part of a successful kinky encounter. […] Sometimes we can’t go to the circus, but we can have a little sidewalk carnival or a weekend puppet show. We can work it out. […] Letting go of the circus act requirement can help you incorporate your kink more regularly into your life rather than feeling frustrated because you’re waiting for some momentous, crazy time to be able to do ALLTHETHINGS. Through experience, we learn to take what time we have and say, “Okay, you know what? We’ve got an hour. Let’s start from there.” (99)
the thing that makes humiliation play healthy and happy is this underlying sense of affection and the fact that at some point, even though you may take somebody really low, they can trust that you’re not going to leave them there. […] ultimately the dominant is responsible for creating a totally safe space, even while perhaps making the submissive feel incredibly unsafe. (102-103)
A sense of belonging is a natural human desire, and it gets tickled in a very good way when it’s attached to derogatory treatment. […] In humiliation play, the sense of belonging and undercurrent of pride of ownership softens the blow of (consensual) abuse and adds an important layer of connection and intimacy that can “override” the negativity. (149)